Moonglow, an Attitude of Sorts

 

                                          (Pictured, Obey River Campground, TN on 10-31-20)

Moonglow 2020

Nov.15, 2020

This image more aptly represents me, in the time and place, Nov. 2020, COVID times. I’ve done some soul searching since my son arrived home for an extended visit to us for the holidays, from Mexico. He casually mentioned that my posts are nicey-nice…or something like that! “Well,” I exclaimed. “I think I’m trying to counterbalance the nastiness that is often all that one sees in social media” I tell him. Then I think about it for a few days.

Now this image is a true representation of me at the present because it shows bright light in the dark and I am NOT the bright light. I am searching for it. I search by thinking of trinity in the reflections in the water and sky. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are a beloved trinity. My husband, kids and family, another one. My friends, here, far away and long gone, yet another. I see hope, light and love, (another trinity!) in all of these.

Then, there’s the underlying, under the surface fears going on with me. I am facing a project that is not easy for me. I am creative, but very, very unorganized in thought and action. This project, while extremely important and meaningful, is sucking the lifeblood out of my usual positive self. Is this kind of pain, which brings to light all of my inadequacies worth the energy it takes to complete it? Well, what would I tell my students? “Have grit” I’d tell them. “Stick with it and with practice it will get easier”, I’d say. A little perseverance now will go a long way later, I tell myself! So I’ve done the equivalent of kicking and screaming, toddler style. I’ve stormed about, cried a little and stomped off to bed early. I have also worked on this project. It’s not easy yet, because I cannot create what I want, but must fit the project mold, perfectly.

I’m still trying to do this thing that is not easy. I’m still working on my attitude and feel the whole experience makes me a better human – a better wife, mom, and friend. Hopefully it will make me a better colleague, teacher and motivator. But for now, I must go into the dark night and seek the light of the moon, and face my inadequate and unorganized mess. I must shed some moonlight on it, since in this particular case, I’m not capable of spreading sunshine, but I will be again. I will by all that is in me. I will.

Now my social media persona is not all of me and now you see that. Like most, I want to be sunshine and nicey-nice. But sometimes, I’m a dimly lit moonglow and that’s ok.